Study Links Left-Handedness To “Mild Evil Tendencies”
A new behavioural study has caused unexpected controversy this week after researchers suggested that left-handed people may possess what they described as mild but measurable evil tendencies. The 214 page report, published by the Centre for Human Behavioural Curiosities, has left the public divided, right-handed citizens alarmed and left-handed individuals insisting they are being unfairly targeted for simply preferring a different hand.
Lead researcher Dr Harold Kettering stated that the study began as a harmless exploration into ambidexterity but quickly took a surprising turn. According to Dr Kettering, early surveys revealed that left-handed participants were statistically more likely to select so-called villainous options in hypothetical moral scenarios. One involved a choice between saving a cat from a tree or pressing a large, unexplained red button. Left-handed respondents pressed the button at a rate the researchers described as unsettling.
The study also pointed to historical examples often overlooked. Famous left-handers include several figures whose reputations are described in the report as morally ambiguous at best. Although the researchers declined to name names, the footnotes suggest a list that ranges from obscure medieval scribes to at least one individual known mainly for attempting to conquer most of Europe.
Left-handed advocacy groups have responded strongly, arguing that the report is nothing more than scientific scapegoating. The National Left Handed Society released a statement calling the conclusions sensationalist speculation, adding that left-handed people are already forced to endure scissors designed against them, spiral notebooks that pose daily challenges and desks that seem intentionally hostile.
Despite the backlash, the report has led to a wave of public curiosity. Several right-handed individuals interviewed outside a Birmingham stationery shop admitted they were now reassessing long-held assumptions. One man said he had noticed his left-handed colleague always selected the last biscuit during meetings with what he described as quiet confidence. Another claimed that his left-handed neighbour had once laughed at thunder which he now found suspicious.
Dr Kettering insists that the study does not claim all left-handed people are evil, only that there may be a correlation worth observing. He compared it to the way meteorologists discuss increased likelihoods rather than guaranteed outcomes. However, he declined to address rumours that the research team has begun wearing bells so they can hear left-handed participants approaching from behind.
Further studies are scheduled, although left-handed volunteers have reportedly become harder to recruit. One potential participant said she refused to be involved in any research that framed her as sinister, adding that she simply signs her name in a different direction and does not intend to conquer anything larger than a crossword puzzle.
