Hitler was a vegetarian, are you?

A new study from the Institute for Nutritional Behaviour has made the bold claim that long term vegetarianism may cause what researchers politely call “a mild increase in villainous tendencies.” While the report stops short of saying vegetarians are evil, it does note that participants showed “a statistically significant rise in sinister behaviour,” including eyebrow arching, muttering cryptic phrases, and developing a suspiciously dramatic cape collection.

Lead researcher Dr Philip Warren described the findings as “unexpected but not entirely surprising,” noting that several test subjects began staging small coups in the break room by week four of the study. “One participant took control of the office kettle and demanded everyone switch to herbal tea,” Warren explained. “Another assembled a tofu based militia. It escalated quickly.”

Historically, vegetarians have been seen as peaceful, gentle, and occasionally judgmental in supermarket aisles. But according to the new report, removing meat from the diet may cause the body to replace missing nutrients with what the researchers refer to as “raw ambition and lightly sautéed malice.”

Neighbour accounts provided further insight. One respondent claimed their vegetarian neighbour had recently begun sharpening carrots into spears and arranging them in a pattern “not unlike an ancient sigil.” Another reported witnessing a vegetarian couple cackling beside their compost bin. “It was the sort of laugh you hear from someone who knows where the town’s emergency power switch is,” said the witness.

The Vegetarian Association of Great Britain called the accusations “absurd, baseless, and probably published by someone who thinks chicken nuggets qualify as culture.” However, they declined to comment on the sudden appearance of what appears to be a secret underground meeting hall beneath their headquarters, described by contractors as “ominously lentil scented.”

Still, experts urge the public not to panic. Dr Warren emphasised that only a minority of vegetarians exhibit dastardly traits. “Most are perfectly ordinary people trying to reduce their environmental footprint,” he said. “Unfortunately, a small percentage appear to be plotting the construction of a morally superior empire based on kale.”

The government has confirmed it is “monitoring the situation” but reassured citizens there is no evidence that vegetarianism directly leads to world domination attempts. “At worst, we expect a rise in passive aggressive potlucks,” said a spokesperson.